i'd kinda decided. lost hope in 'repairing' the friendship alrdy. i've struggled to hold on.
enough of complaints. enough of crying. enough of sadness. im not gonna let this so-called friendship keep letting me feel so hurt. they'll be fine on their own with each other. yes. it will also affect them. but i doubt it will affect them much or long. im tired of feeling the hurt whenever i see them laughing and talking to each other like there's no change at all. the worst thing is heard some hurtful stuffs directly from someone i consider a really close friend last time. i find it really stupid to keep wanting to break down everytime i think of this. i got so affected to this extend. is this wad they're feeling too?
'our family will hold on together.. never let go.. blah blah..' its all crap.
i'll be lying if i say letting go is easy. its okay. but i noe there'll be others by my side.

physically and mentally tired now. work was okay. had ting and danny with me. enough entertainment. hahas. ting dun worry so much. i'll try helping u think of something (:
and i hope zimei will be strong. nth much i can do for her except to listen.

i'll be going down tml just for the sake of pei. im not gonna let my personal problems affect her birthday.

some funny photos i took in train. look at the guy's mouth. HAHAHAS!

went to bugis with puppy to exchange my bag. didnt manage to get the color i want. too bad. shop ard and bought a few stuffs. he went off to work after that and i decided to join jessie and siaowei for dinner at causeway. it was too early so i went home first and i ended up on the phone with someone in my 'family'. got rather upset and im so sorry siaowei for sounding so agitated on the phone with u.

ate at kfc cuz we're going budget. hahas. thank u both for telling me so certainly that u trust me. two of the best friends i can ever get. love u guys! hahas. they are right actually. good friends are suppose to trust each other. since alrdy said its misunderstandings. even after explanation. its still the same. i thought its quite straight foward? and one more thing they mentioned. if they really have the heart to solve it. it is definitely possible. unless they alrdy judged me guilty as charge. no matter how much i explain. its still gonna be the same. trust takes time i noe. but overall its still up to oneself whether to believe not.

my two besties! (:

xuihui said. in the first place there shouldnt be problem like this. thats wad good friends are about.
amilia said. it doesnt matter as long as i noe all the other good friends around me trust me. its enough.

met up with yuwen and yushuang. i looked at them studying for the whooolee night. got psycho-ed to ton in the end. i sketched while they studied. hahas. me and yushuang stayed over at james house after eating. chatted alot. thank goodness for them. if not i would be thinking even more everynight.

the longer it drag. the more i dun wanna bother.

i realised some things that this person whos close to me said may just be words only. fickle minded bout rs. dun hurt my friend again if u're not sincere. dun say words that carry meaning to almost everyone. so how do she expect ppl to trust her words again?

the most hurtful words i can ever hear from a good fren would be ' i dun trust u'.
pei's birthday is coming. the present and cake wasn't even discussed in a group. what im contributing is the money only. its still consider a gift from sweet family? no. its their own present only. i understand how they feel too. but i still dun believe this affect them as much. cuz no matter what they still have each other. they will nvr understand this. the fact is. im still alone. and i didnt do anything wrong at all to lose the trust.

had a hair cut today! hair style changed a little. i like it better than the old one. met yuwen at 1.30. the time we agreed on before changing it to 1. lol. in the end the time still got dragged. RIGHT? hahas. im going back the salon for hair cut again. been going others but so far i still like this one the best.
decided to get contacts today. spent a hour and a half at the shop just putting in taking out and putting in again. poor yuwen had to wait for so long. hahas. she got her black specs there.
went to work at 5. reached there just nice on the dot. thought i'll be late. was supposed to be at ah wok but charcoal got slammed so i went over. managed to chat with bin di. thanks for telling me u trust me. it means so so much to me. felt much more relieved.
had supper with puppy after work. ate my favorite tom yam ramen. fried prawn omelette if thats wad u call that. lol.
thanks for the gift. panadol. and accompanying me (:

u guys will always still have each other even if the group separates. now they only have one person lesser in their life whereas for me i have so many lesser. of cuz this wun matter much to them.

looking back at photos. i feel like i lost something.
i miss them badly.

this song is beautiful. read the lyrics. enjoy (:

Mariah Carey - Bye Bye

This is for my peoples who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby, your man or your lady
Put your hand way up high
We will never say bye (no, no, no)
Mamma's, daddy's, sisters, brothers, friends and cousins
This is for my peoples who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky
'Cos we will never say bye

As a child there were them times
I didn't get it but you kept me in line
I didn't know why you didn't show up some times
On Sunday mornings and I missed you
But I'm glad we talked through
All them grown full things separation brings
You never let me know it, you never let it show
Because you loved me and obviously
Theres so much more left so say
If you were with me today face to face

Chorus
I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like
“I wish I could talk to you for awhile”
“Miss you but I try not to cry”
As time goes by
And as soon as you reached a better place
Still I’ll give the world to see your face
And we were here next to you
It feels like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say bye bye

(Bye bye bye bye bye bye) x3

Bye bye

And you never got a chance to see how good I’ve done
And you never got to see me back at number one
I wish that you were here to celebrate together
I wish that we could spend the holidays together
I remember when you used to tuck me in at night
With the Teddy Bear you gave me that I held so tight
I thought you were so strong
You'd make it through whatever
It’s so hard to accept the fact you’re gone forever

Chorus
I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like
“I wish I could talk to you for awhile”
“Miss you but I try not to cry”
As time goes by
And as soon as you reached a better place
Still I’ll give the world to see your face
Am standing right here next to you
It feels like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say bye bye

(Bye bye bye bye bye bye) x3

This is for my peoples who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby, your man or your lady
Put your hand way up high
We will never say bye (no, no, no)
Mamma's, daddy's, sisters, brothers, friends and cousins
This is for my peoples who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky
'Cos we will never say bye, bye

Chorus
I never knew I could hurt like this (I never knew it)
And everyday life goes on like (everyday of my life I wish)
“I wish I could talk to you for awhile” (I wish)
“Miss you but I try not to cry”
As time goes by (I wish, I wish, I wish as time goes by)
And as soon as you reached a better place
Still I’ll give the world to see your face
And we were here next to you
It feels like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say bye bye

(Its hard to say bye bye bye bye bye bye
So come on somebody sing it with me
Wave your hands up high
Hey hey, this if for my peoples who just lost somebody
So this is for everybody
You put your hand to the sky
'Cos we will never say bye bye

work was fun with zimei and ting and nat. they celebrated max birthday ytd. but i didnt join cuz i know it'll be awkward. went to look for yuwen and yushuang at semb. amilia was at semb too so she joined us. ate at the coffee shop at her house there and we called ivan/zell yak out too. what a coincidence that we know each other. lol. borrowed dvds from tim's fren but they cant be played on the com so we watch sky of love on crunchyroll instead. its a really sweet show. the guy is super cute. hahas. slacked till 7 plus and i went home to sleep.

woke up at 5 plus today and wasn't feeling well enough to go work. hahas. went back to sleep and met puppy at 9. wanted to go bugis to change the bag that i bought a few days ago but it was too late to go down. in the end we went to changi airport terminal 3. the place is beautiful! the airport makes me wanna go overseas. cant stay too long there cuz of transport so we decided to go another day. hahas

thinking of this makes me thought of the time where the family said that we'll go overseas someday. i cant stop thinking bout them. i just tend to link everything to them and whoever talks to me i'll definitely bring them up in some topics.
whatever i say now does not tally with how i feel. i keep telling myself. why bother. just forget bout them. change a new job and i nvr have to see them again. it feels so terrible to have to put on a 'i dun care' face everytime i walk pass them.
why is it that this affected me so much. even more than the duration where i broke up.
arghh! its driving me crazy. the sadness and the hurt just seem to remain even after all the complaints and..
i guess it don't matter to them. anyway they just lose one so called friend who they dun even trust but i lost a whole bunch of them who i trust so much.

im ROTTING at home now. feel like asking where are they now but im not gonna do that.
surprisingly im not with the night clique. boring night without them. lol.
gonna cut my hair tml! finally.. i cant stand my hair now. hahas

and some random photos from the past. we were at the playground at yushuang's place

met up with bren for dinner awhile at orchard. went over to yuwen's house with yushuang to watch dvd. seriously we're seeing each other everyday/night. lol. and im loving it. hahahas. that lousy yuwen went to sleep first leaving me and yushuang chatting with each other for a few hours. breakfast-ed at the coffeeshop downstairs and i went back home. i agree that we're eating excessively. but its a good thing. cuz i wanna grow FAT!

thanks to those who tagged. i should include PUPPY into my list ytd. another one who'll listen to my complaints and acc me to work when im alone. BRENDAN for always helping me when i need help. i know i'll definitely be able to add in a few more names as time pass by.
the thought of having so many good friends around me is so encouraging and relieved.
i feel really sad that the ppl i refer to as my FAMILY didnt trust me and thought i was twisting my words around. i kinda feel like giving up on them alrdy. how come all along no one ever thought of me this way and u guys are the only ones? one thing i can be certain of is i treat my friends the best among all the ppl surrounding me.

one thing i suddenly realise just now. why isn't it possible for everyone to be close to each other. i know in a group there'll always be small groups. but the thing is everyone in our family click very well with each other. as long as they bother spending some time on every single one of them instead of just sticking to the one they are closest to for the time being. i believe that its possible we can all be as close to each other as we are with just one person alone. its just a matter of whether u wanna put in the effort to do that or not. i dare say i tried. but if anyone doesn't wanna open up then it'll just be a one sided effort.

i know one thing i'll definitely have to do. its to control my emotions well.
and i know i can do it as long as i make the effort to.

had a good time with my night clique as usual. movie-d at ps. SEX AND THE CITY IS LOVES! awesome show. i simply LOVE it! minus the sex scenes. hahas. its a MUST watch show. the friendship among the four friends was amazing. how they stand by each other when something happen no matter big or small. bimbotic but i love them. hahas. the part about the show which captured most of my attention was the friendship.

the show ended at 12 plus and there was no more transport home. me pei and ng.. thats wad yuwen asked to call her. LOL. tonned at mac. chatted all the way till first train arrived. i love the new night clique. hahas. yes. and im like seeing yushuang everyday. im not complaining of cuz. hahas. in fact i enjoyed myself :D
u guys better study. i dun mind studying with u guys if u wan. hahas. just dun let ur studies drop too much.

look at how disgusting pei can be

busy chatting with..... ^^

speaking of that friendship. had a family talk ytd with them ytd. most misunderstandings were cleared. i only got to say. i'm who i am. u guys are important to me thats why i bothered explaining so much. the day i don't bother. is the day i no longer care. one thing i'm sure about. if i were someone not trustable and reliable. i can strongly say i will not have so many good friends around me. right? AMILIA EELIN JESSIE SIAOWEI NINGSI XIUHUI DELON BRENDAN. sorry if i missed out any names. im lucky to have them around. who trust me enough to believe my word and confiding in me. who can stand by me whenever i'm in trouble.
u guys only thought of the family as itself. what about how i feel when u guys talked abt me in a group? the reason i bothered talking to every single one is i wanted to interact with all of you. cuz everyone knows. its hard to be close to everyone in a big group. i shared my thoughts and problems with u guys. but that doesn't mean that i wanted u all to take whatever i told u guys individually to discuss. u know how awkward i felt ytd. just this incident alone makes me not want to try interacting with everyone of u anymore. the trust in u guys to keep MY PERSONAL stuffs to yourselves is gone. sorry to say.
trust. its a really big word.
yes things were settled. but i feel even worse.

spent the night at semb ytd... again. lol. met up with yuwen yushung and pei. seems to be meeting them everyday. night i mean. had fun drinking and watching them play games. lol. childish ppl pulling each other's hair. hahas
met up with tim after that and being a nice guy. he sent me back home. hahas. been so long since i get to ride on a bike. chatted awhile and i went back.

missed out on sentosa again. u guys have no idea how im feeling. i find it so hard to approach u all now. i noe u guys can feel that im drifting away too. its not something i can control. and it matters alot to me. a little too much maybe.

F-A-M-I-L-(Y?)

maybe i noe how huifen feels now. its hard to get into the group.

lobster some uncle caught

(:(: